Virgo (August 23-September 22): Sometimes the grass is greener is on the other side. Sometimes it’s not. It’s just a chance you’re going to have to take, Virgo.

Libra (September 23-October 23): Interpretive dancing in clubs can get you further in life than one might think.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Love is like a red, red rose…I forget the rest but I’m sure your imagination can take it from here.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Everything you think and everything you feel is all right.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Call someone and tell them you love them. It will make both of you that much happier.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): It is, in fact, the dawning of the age of Aquarius. Congrats!

Pisces (February 19-March 20): There is a squirrel inside your ukulele!

Aries (March 21-April 19): Something is going to happen.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): If the opportunity arises, take it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You have finally come to terms with not sleeping. Ever. You should embrace your lack of sleep, Taurus. It might aid in the creative process (or something like that).

Cancer (June 22-July 22): The stars tell me that it’s getting really flippin’ cold out. Invest in wool before it’s too late. And you should probably just run everywhere while you’re at it.

Leo (July 23-August 22): No matter how many times you walk up the apartment stairwell to upper campus, it will not get easier, so just accept it.